[0.0s] previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
[2.4s] Bombera, you notice that that item is now gone, and behind it, scrawled on the wall, is the Rat King calls.
[14.5s] Oh, bloody hells.
[17.3s] I'm sort of willing to try anything. I teach these Zumba classes in the morning, and this beard is so hot and sweaty, and I just, it's just too much for me.
[25.2s] You might want to donate that hair.
[27.4s] And that would be donated for...
[29.4s] Wigs! Wigs for underprivileged orphans.
[35.0s] Well, they're probably really scared about this, like, Rat King that apparently called you.
[39.4s] They stole it! They stole my Wand of Smiles.
[43.6s] We love banishing evil, it's like our whole thing, so I think we probably want to help.
[50.1s] Like, yeah, kind of, but, you know, not my whole thing.
[53.0s] I mean, we did it once. We did it at one time.
[55.5s] It's all of our favorite things.
[57.5s] You got any hot tips for us on where we can start looking for this, uh, Rat King?
[62.6s] There's, um, some, like, sewage, ducts, tunnels, what, whatever those are called.
[69.3s] Like an aqueduct? What are we talking about here?
[71.3s] Oh, I thought, like, a quack. Like a sewage duck. Like, like, like the god in the entrance of the Rat King's...
[78.6s] Well, you know what? It wouldn't surprise me if they were there.
[85.4s] Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons. We're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your dungeon master, Russ Morn.
[110.9s] With me today is Tom Laird.
[112.9s] Hey, that's me. I play Moot.
[114.5s] He's a half-orc, wild magic sorcerer.
[118.2s] And Amy More.
[119.7s] Yeah, I'm so ready. I play Sullivan Sly, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
[123.5s] Suck it.
[126.4s] And Carla Maxted.
[129.5s] That's me. I play Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
[133.5s] And back with us today, from the broadswords, Victoria Rogers.
[138.0s] Hi, I am playing Bombera, the human sorcerer of indeterminate level and skill.
[145.7s] It's very secret. That's what we do here at Dumbgeons and Dragons, is we have secrets from you.
[150.5s] Did anyone feel like that, like, roll call was kind of like calling us out on a
[154.6s] basketball court, and there was like...
[157.4s] I like it. Pop pop music was playing.
[159.5s] Yeah.
[159.8s] And it was good because you didn't nail, you didn't like trip on your way out,
[163.1s] like you usually do.
[164.1s] That's right. Sometimes I trip.
[165.7s] Yeah. Yeah, so it goes.
[168.2s] Where we, where you can see if we trip or not, and then just edit it later, is over on Patreon,
[172.8s] Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, where you also, when you're a patron, get an episode
[178.2s] dedicated to you, like today's patron, Robert Beck.
[182.3s] Robert Beck.
[183.4s] Thank you, Robert.
[184.9s] If you watch the videos of these, this gameplay, you'll see we basically always trip.
[191.8s] Spoiler alert.
[193.0s] Spoiler alert. Russ edits everything.
[194.6s] It just depends, you know, what kind of mood Russ is in, which trips he leaves in, so.
[199.4s] That's fair. Did Amy do it?
[201.7s] It's going to stay in there.
[202.6s] It's staying in that podcast.
[203.9s] It's staying in there.
[205.7s] Does Amy seem the most incompetent, but probably is very average?
[210.2s] Editing is magical. Editing is magical.
[212.6s] It is.
[214.2s] Yep. Fuck it. Let's play D&D.
[218.6s] Addie on the other side of the door.
[221.8s] We know what Dad swears.
[222.8s] She's awake.
[225.4s] Previously, you had met Bombera and determined that the Rat King.
[232.9s] Sucks.
[233.4s] Sucks. Anti-smiles, at the very least.
[237.5s] So you are headed on the way to find your way to the Rat King with Bombera.
[243.1s] On the way.
[248.0s] Okay, it really smells down here.
[249.6s] See, this, this is why I don't come down here.
[253.3s] See, which is gross.
[254.5s] This is the only reason you don't come down here?
[257.1s] No. Why would I? It stinks.
[262.2s] Fair enough. I just mean, like, I mean, if you look at the brickwork of these tunnels,
[267.0s] the architecture in this place, I mean, once I helped in,
[272.1s] it's a town you wouldn't know about it,
[274.4s] but I helped lay the brickwork for this beautiful, beautiful arch they had.
[278.6s] And like, I was a brickery and I just have to say this is top quality bricks.
[286.9s] I just looked up and saw both Victoria and Carla.
[293.7s] In his notebook.
[295.1s] Brickery?
[298.5s] I've had many jobs.
[300.5s] I've had many jobs in my life, but brickery was,
[303.9s] the brickery was probably the hottest one.
[309.6s] You know, because the bricks are so heavy and, and I'm so small.
[312.7s] Much heavier than the linen from the linenery.
[318.6s] Well, I don't know.
[319.2s] You mean you get a lot of those tablecloths stacked on top of each other.
[322.2s] That linen gets pretty heavy.
[324.8s] You've had so many jobs.
[326.0s] You're so young.
[326.7s] You're so industrious.
[328.6s] Thank you.
[329.4s] Not many people recognize that about me.
[332.1s] Everybody make a perception check.
[334.6s] I was like, when's Russ gonna stop me?
[336.4s] Is it about if brickery is a word?
[338.9s] Is three a good roll for perception check or am I too busy talking?
[343.6s] This might be my worst.
[345.4s] This is not good rolling.
[347.4s] This is a seven.
[348.3s] My God.
[349.0s] Can you do anything today?
[350.6s] Yeah, I got a 10, but my passive wisdom perception is 12.
[359.5s] We'll go with that.
[361.8s] Sure.
[363.1s] Glim and Sully are very in conversation right now.
[368.4s] Moot and Bombera, you hear what sounds like echoing quacks coming up.
[378.0s] Oh, great.
[380.7s] It's the guard ducks.
[382.8s] The duck thing was real?
[387.9s] Oh, boy.
[388.4s] What did we, what did we,
[389.8s] I feel like we might have bitten off more than we can chew here, Bombera.
[393.0s] It don't, we just gotta give them some dish soap.
[396.3s] We're good.
[397.4s] Trust me.
[398.8s] Did you bring some?
[400.0s] Is that something you carry around with you?
[405.3s] No.
[408.0s] Okay, where can we get some?
[410.7s] I mean, I have these and I reach into one of my many, many strapped on pockets and
[415.5s] I pull out a bunch of like wet naps.
[417.9s] Yeah, you wear that wet naps on you.
[422.8s] You round a corner and you see up ahead of you four normal size ducks
[433.5s] covered in sewage filth.
[435.1s] Oh my God, look at these quack quacks.
[437.6s] They turn and they see you coming up the way and one of them in its
[443.9s] in its feathered wing pulls a blade.
[456.1s] Oh yeah, what, what, what are you doing here?
[458.5s] What business you have been in these parts of the sewer there, yeah?
[462.7s] We mean you no harm.
[465.5s] We just want to hand out by me.
[467.2s] They mean us no harm.
[469.5s] We have these wet naps.
[470.9s] We could clean you guys up a little if you want.
[474.9s] I feel like you're being really offensive.
[478.9s] What do you mean clean this up?
[481.1s] What are we not clean enough for you?
[482.7s] You surface dwellers.
[484.5s] Well, we're down here like in the sewer kind of thing here.
[488.7s] We thought maybe you wanted to be cleaned up.
[491.1s] Sully's like,
[494.8s] Leroy, you get this.
[496.4s] They think we ain't clean enough for them.
[498.3s] Okay, I'm sorry.
[498.9s] There's Leroy Vinnie.
[500.7s] I'm sorry, there's Leroy Vinnie.
[503.5s] What's your name, Mr Knife Holder Duck?
[506.7s] Sasha.
[508.0s] Oh, hey Sasha.
[509.5s] Okay, so very nice to meet you all.
[512.3s] You can put your blade away.
[513.5s] I don't think we're going to have an altercation here because look,
[516.6s] and I didn't pull out my graystone and I want it to be a duck.
[525.0s] Okay, because my graystone can be anything I want it to be.
[527.5s] I have to roll for graystone?
[530.4s] No, you have to put it down.
[531.5s] You have to put it on the ground.
[532.7s] Oh, okay, I threw it.
[536.9s] You mean I can't ever hold it?
[538.7s] No, not going to have it be a thing.
[542.1s] Okay, so make a dexterity check because you're throwing it into a sewer.
[552.9s] Well, I'm dexterous as all get out.
[555.1s] So if I could find that number, it's a plus five.
[558.3s] Yes, yes, it is.
[559.5s] That's your saving card.
[561.5s] Yeah, 19.
[563.5s] Yeah, it flops down and then there's a really big duck, a really big unmoving duck.
[571.0s] Yeah.
[571.5s] They're like, whoa, what is that?
[573.5s] It's a giant duck.
[576.6s] Yeah, that's right.
[577.8s] It's a giant duck.
[579.1s] The one with the blade swings at it.
[581.4s] It's a magic duck.
[588.4s] Oh, I'm just saying.
[589.4s] It's not a real duck.
[590.8s] You're trying to relate to us ducks?
[593.0s] Well, just a little bit.
[593.9s] I'm just saying we really appreciate you guys.
[596.1s] Look at this giant duck I carry around.
[598.4s] I mean, it's a pretty cool duck.
[600.5s] What are you trying to accomplish with this duck?
[605.5s] What is the end game here?
[607.5s] You're asking if Silly has an end game?
[611.9s] That seems like the wrong question for us, Russ.
[613.8s] Yeah.
[614.4s] This doesn't seem like a question, yes, for Silly, but okay.
[617.3s] I think he's trying to relate to the ducks, maybe befriend the ducks.
[623.1s] I think he's a lover of all small animals.
[625.6s] Make out for moots, faux pas with the ducks.
[627.7s] Yeah.
[628.3s] Well, he called them dirty and offered to clean them.
[632.4s] After you realized you were fully cognizant.
[638.6s] So I'm just trying to build a bridge here because of my brickery background.
[647.5s] All right, we see your duck.
[651.6s] We raise you four ducks.
[654.2s] We raise you four ducks with blades.
[656.6s] You even told us why we're here.
[658.6s] Well, I don't know why you're here.
[659.9s] Why you're here.
[661.1s] Why I'm here?
[662.3s] What are you doing here in our sewers?
[664.8s] Well, I didn't know that you own the sewers.
[666.1s] This specific quadrant of the sewers is our sewers.
[669.6s] Oh.
[670.1s] I'm Gus, Benny, Leroy.
[672.2s] Well, hold on a second.
[672.9s] You said you were Sasha.
[674.1s] Look, I don't tell people my real name.
[677.7s] You were hoping I didn't remember it.
[680.9s] I mean, normally we don't remember anything.
[682.9s] So it's a fair bet.
[683.7s] I know, it's fair.
[686.3s] Well, okay, listen, maybe you could help us out a little bit here
[689.5s] because obviously you are so much more intelligent than us.
[693.4s] Obviously, I'll just get rid of it.
[695.5s] I'm trying to talk to him around the giant duck.
[699.5s] So I pick up my gray stone.
[701.5s] They put it back.
[702.2s] I'm like, I'm really sorry about that.
[703.5s] And I'm sorry about my friend here offering to clean you up.
[707.1s] That was weird.
[708.4s] It was weird.
[709.1s] You're going to have to leave those here with us.
[712.5s] So that we can't offend anybody else.
[714.3s] I completely understand.
[715.5s] Glim, why don't you give them the wet naps?
[718.3s] Of course, of course.
[719.5s] Contraband cleaners.
[723.1s] Back in the day, I was a cleaniner.
[731.5s] What's a cleaniner?
[733.4s] Cleaniner is, you know, someone that cleans.
[738.3s] A cleaner.
[739.9s] Yeah, that's what I said.
[741.2s] Anyway, so you are so much more smart than us, obviously,
[744.4s] because I said the words wrong and I was one.
[747.5s] So that says something.
[749.4s] And I was just wondering if that maybe you could help us
[752.3s] find the Rat King because we have a couple questions
[755.4s] about his new regime.
[757.1s] Oh, you're here to see the Rat King, are you?
[759.7s] Yeah, should I lead with that?
[762.3s] Well, I mean.
[763.3s] Would that have been better than the offer to clean you?
[768.3s] Let me talk about this, my tall friend.
[771.2s] Yes, that would have been better.
[772.7s] That would have been better than trying to come in
[775.5s] and impose your sense of cleanliness and sanitation upon us.
[781.4s] Sorry, that's my bad.
[783.1s] I had some faulty intel or I just understood it wrong.
[786.1s] I'm not exactly sure, but I take full responsibility for that.
[791.1s] OK, good.
[791.9s] So you're here to see the Rat King.
[793.3s] Well, the Rat King, you're not too far, not too far.
[796.0s] You got to keep going a little ways,
[798.3s] but you can't cut through these parts.
[803.7s] Why not?
[804.7s] Because these are these are duck parts.
[806.8s] What if we abide by all your duck rules while we're down here?
[810.7s] You're saying you never have visitors?
[812.0s] It sounds a little bit lonely.
[813.9s] OK, well, in order to make it past all the other guard ducks we have,
[817.4s] you're going to have to quack a little bit just so they know that you're cool.
[821.0s] Well, yeah, all right.
[822.8s] Can you give us a demo so that we have something to practice off of?
[826.7s] Yeah, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
[832.5s] And then all four of them begin going quack, quack, quack.
[835.1s] OK, stop, stop.
[836.5s] We're intelligent ducks.
[837.6s] We don't need to quack all the time.
[838.9s] Just just as a notification that you're coming around the corner.
[842.4s] Well, all right.
[843.1s] I think we can do that.
[844.6s] Well, I I know what I can do.
[847.1s] You know, if.
[849.8s] Hold on just a moment here.
[851.9s] And I I I move my hands around and I mutter some words and suddenly I'm a duck.
[862.5s] What?
[865.5s] Well, that's so much better than my rock that turns into a duck.
[868.6s] Quack.
[871.5s] I'm going to I'm going to need to ask Bombera to maybe show me that.
[875.2s] That's pretty cool.
[876.3s] That's freaking awesome.
[877.8s] This one's this one.
[878.7s] She's got it.
[879.3s] Quack.
[879.9s] Yeah, now I can't do that, but like I'm kind of small and I get down and I
[886.8s] I can bring them through.
[890.3s] Beautiful.
[891.0s] OK, so you've got to you've got an escort through duck territory now.
[895.9s] Yeah.
[896.9s] Oh, I just, you know, could you can you give us directions?
[902.8s] Yeah, yeah, you're going to take he gives you exact directions on how to get through.
[907.4s] It's going to take you a little while left.
[909.5s] No, no, it's the weirdest thing.
[915.0s] But he gives you directions on how to get through into what he presumes is
[919.0s] rat king territory and says just just around the corners.
[922.4s] Just quack.
[922.9s] Otherwise, you might get knifed.
[926.0s] Quack.
[928.5s] Roger that.
[931.6s] You I salute him with a little wing.
[935.5s] He salutes back.
[937.1s] She's got it.
[937.9s] I don't know if she's really a duck or if she's an actual person pretending to be a duck.
[942.1s] This is really just blowing my mind right now.
[944.4s] Duckception.
[945.9s] Ah, maybe.
[946.7s] Guys, what if she was a duck this whole time, pretending to be a person?
[951.1s] Well, I have an hour like this, so let's get going.
[957.7s] I think that is a duck.
[958.7s] Let's go.
[960.9s] You make your way past.
[963.1s] Make a perception check as you walk past them around the corner.
[967.1s] Well, that's a four.
[968.3s] I perceive nothing.
[969.3s] Nine.
[970.7s] Eleven.
[971.3s] Oh, all right.
[973.1s] Guys, we're super average.
[975.0s] Glim, you kind of look back as you round the first corner and you see them kind of
[979.3s] swarming around the wet naps that were that were left.
[988.0s] You make your way through duck territory,
[990.2s] quacking at the appropriate corners, walking past several other guard positions.
[994.8s] I salute all of them.
[997.0s] Salutes are returned.
[999.0s] They kind of give everybody else a look over, but see that you're with them and
[1002.3s] know that, you know, they're allowed to be allowed to be in this section.
[1006.5s] These guys are cool.
[1007.3s] They got one duck with them.
[1008.8s] Yeah, that's right.
[1009.4s] All you need is one duck.
[1011.6s] Moot's all like, I'm cool.
[1015.2s] I have a duck friend and all the ducks are like, I hate you.
[1018.9s] Still sorry about earlier.
[1021.8s] Apologize.
[1022.6s] You're never going to be cool with ducks again.
[1026.1s] The word is going to spread like crows.
[1029.5s] You can tell.
[1030.5s] Yeah, they've already heard about.
[1032.7s] Do these ducks have like headbands by any chance?
[1036.3s] I'm imagining some ducks with some cool headbands.
[1038.8s] Yeah, it's tough to see through all the sewage fills,
[1041.4s] but there are there are yeah, there are bandanas and headbands of some sort.
[1047.2s] Dang.
[1050.3s] All right.
[1051.5s] We've established a duck gang.
[1053.1s] Yeah, this is taking a turn.
[1056.1s] No, this is this was in your notes, right?
[1058.6s] I was playing it from the beginning.
[1061.0s] It was just a blank page that had two words that said duck gang.
[1064.7s] Was it?
[1065.8s] Roll with it.
[1068.6s] Sexy goblin.
[1071.5s] After about 30 minutes of walking through duck territory,
[1075.4s] you make it to a what is like a clear divide.
[1081.1s] It looks like it's it's I don't want to say darker because it's a sewer,
[1088.7s] but like there's like vines starting to come down in certain areas.
[1092.3s] Like it's not as well kept.
[1093.9s] Like over time, the last few months, the cleaning crew hasn't been through here.
[1103.6s] Hey, it's water deep.
[1104.7s] They're very meticulous on cleaning.
[1106.2s] Clearly shitty drugs.
[1107.9s] Yeah, what was it?
[1109.1s] Yeah.
[1110.7s] Wow, we thought that the duck territory was unkempt.
[1116.1s] Are you having a stroke over here?
[1117.4s] Is everything OK?
[1119.1s] I wouldn't have thought.
[1121.0s] I guess I haven't spent a lot of time in sewers,
[1122.9s] and my assumption is that they would have a relatively similar level of cleanliness,
[1127.8s] but it's it's turned worse.
[1129.9s] Markedly different here.
[1133.7s] And then I give my little duck body a shake
[1137.1s] and my little duck butt wiggles.
[1141.0s] Oh, that cute little duck tail.
[1143.0s] And then I shudder into human form.
[1148.6s] Oh, OK.
[1150.1s] You know, I really should have learned prestidigitation.
[1155.4s] This is gross, but you really saved us.
[1159.5s] Did you have any of those wet naps?
[1163.5s] Oh, may I please have some?
[1165.4s] Oh, may I please have some?
[1166.7s] Can I pull in more?
[1168.1s] Always.
[1168.6s] Always more wet naps in one of these pockets.
[1170.3s] Thank you.
[1171.2s] I begin cleaning myself with wet naps.
[1174.9s] Can I roll?
[1175.9s] Sorry.
[1176.5s] I was just going to say,
[1177.5s] Bombera, what was the name of that spell that you did to turn into a duck?
[1183.1s] Is it like duck change?
[1184.8s] Oh, no.
[1187.5s] Well, that's a tricky spell.
[1191.4s] It's taken me quite some time to master,
[1194.5s] have to say, but some folk call it polymorph.
[1200.8s] Polymorph.
[1202.2s] And he writes that down in his notebook.
[1205.0s] Below it, does he write more than one morph?
[1210.7s] All the morphs?
[1213.5s] How many morphs is poly?
[1217.0s] Can I roll perception?
[1220.0s] See if I see a rat with a tiny crown or anything.
[1222.9s] Sure.
[1224.5s] Just stand in there.
[1225.2s] Oh, I don't.
[1225.7s] You didn't even notice it.
[1226.1s] I rolled a three.
[1227.9s] So, nope.
[1229.5s] You, as you continue walking down the pathway of the sewer,
[1236.8s] you hear scurrying footsteps,
[1241.8s] like little rat rodent feet kind of on the pavement,
[1246.5s] on the brick work in kind of your peripheral.
[1250.7s] You hear them kind of all around you as the further you get in.
[1257.2s] Guys, this sounds creepy.
[1258.2s] You hear that, right?
[1259.2s] Yeah.
[1259.9s] Yeah, this is gross.
[1261.3s] Yeah, it's gross.
[1263.8s] It's a very unsettling sound.
[1265.7s] You know that feeling that you got in your gut
[1268.3s] when you looked at my beard all in one solid chunk when it fell off?
[1273.0s] Yeah, it was unsettling.
[1274.6s] It's worse.
[1275.1s] It's like 10 times worse than that.
[1276.6s] So gross.
[1277.9s] Can I roll perception to see if I see any scuttling?
[1280.8s] Because I'm assuming like the walls are like vine covered.
[1284.7s] It would probably be investigation over perception.
[1287.1s] Let me investimigate.
[1288.8s] Oh, good.
[1289.1s] That's a plus one instead of a minus one.
[1291.7s] Well, that's a six.
[1294.0s] That plus one really paid off.
[1295.6s] It really did.
[1298.7s] Yeah, as you're all looking around,
[1301.2s] I'd say you'd probably catch glimpses of like rodent tails
[1305.3s] kind of going up and into the vines,
[1308.6s] catching them running around corners.
[1310.7s] Guys, they're so fast.
[1313.3s] Did you know that a rat can fit through the size of a silver piece?
[1319.8s] Really?
[1320.1s] Is that true?
[1322.3s] Yeah.
[1322.7s] Keep your mouth closed, then.
[1328.5s] That's just good advice.
[1329.5s] That was a horrific advice thing.
[1331.6s] Just put my hand over my mouth now.
[1333.7s] Sully just doesn't talk for the rest of the time
[1335.9s] and everyone feels better.
[1337.5s] It's going to be great listening.
[1341.9s] You begin to hear the sound of voices up ahead,
[1348.4s] two distinct voices,
[1350.5s] and sounds like they're saying like,
[1353.2s] okay, okay, they're coming.
[1354.6s] They're coming.
[1355.1s] Just you just be quiet and then we'll jump out
[1360.5s] and we'll just be like, you're here.
[1362.8s] So we can hear this audibly.
[1367.5s] Hey, we should've speed up their surprise.
[1372.9s] I'll say, I sure hope no one jumps out at us
[1375.9s] as we continue walking closer to them.
[1378.3s] Because they don't know that we know that they're there.
[1380.5s] So if we don't, let's keep it a secret.
[1382.1s] Okay.
[1383.1s] Okay.
[1384.9s] So we go forward, I guess,
[1386.9s] and Moo says, boy, I sure hope no one jumps out at us
[1390.7s] and surprises us.
[1391.9s] Oh, boy, that'd be so scary.
[1394.2s] You hope it's not rats.
[1396.0s] You hear like, they're going to be so surprised.
[1404.3s] We start walking like heavier, so we're louder.
[1406.8s] Really making a lot more noise.
[1407.7s] Sloshing through.
[1409.4s] You make your way down and take a turn
[1413.3s] where it naturally starts to bend.
[1416.0s] And you hear from behind you
[1422.0s] as you get down this pathway a little bit,
[1426.5s] slightly heavier footsteps hit the brick behind you.
[1430.0s] You turn around and you see a,
[1433.2s] he's probably like a three foot tall rat humanoid creature.
[1440.2s] And then you hear the foot,
[1442.2s] another set of footsteps jump on the other side of you.
[1444.7s] And there's another one.
[1446.4s] And they're like, ha ha!
[1448.7s] Oh, I'm so surprised.
[1450.2s] Oh, my word.
[1451.5s] I'm so surprised and frightened.
[1453.6s] Hey, Squeeps, Squeeps, we got them.
[1455.7s] We got them.
[1457.2s] Hey, what are you doing here in Rat King territory?
[1460.5s] Okay, let's just be real about this.
[1463.6s] We got you surrounded.
[1465.5s] Well, there's only two of you, but there's four of us.
[1469.5s] But they are on either side of us.
[1471.4s] Oh, that is true.
[1473.5s] Is one of you the Rat King?
[1475.6s] No, no, no, no.
[1476.6s] I just thought that surprise was so good
[1478.2s] that must have been thought up by the Rat King.
[1479.8s] Had to be royalty, right?
[1480.3s] Yeah, a natural leader came up with that surprise.
[1482.6s] Look, the Rat King,
[1484.2s] and I need to make sure there's no duck voices.
[1487.7s] The Rat King, see, he got us all in charge of this section
[1496.7s] leading into his royal courtroom.
[1499.7s] So we have to vet people before they come in here.
[1503.3s] Well, gosh, you guys must be really important
[1505.8s] to be protecting the Rat King like this.
[1507.6s] Very important.
[1508.7s] Names tourniquet, that's Squeeps.
[1510.9s] Squeeps is like, hey, don't tell him our name.
[1515.0s] When you say courtroom, do you mean like a royal court
[1519.5s] or an actual courtroom where he conducts trials?
[1523.3s] Is it Judge Rat King?
[1524.9s] No, it's King Rat Judge.
[1526.7s] He's the King.
[1527.2s] Third Judge King Rat.
[1531.0s] How many auto params, how many titles does he have?
[1533.4s] Is he a judge too?
[1534.3s] I mean, right now he's just the Rat King.
[1537.9s] We should talk to him about maybe adding a few more.
[1540.2s] You think that would be better for like, you know,
[1544.3s] how people see him?
[1545.2s] Probably.
[1546.0s] Well, I think the more titles the better.
[1551.1s] Okay, so what are you doing here?
[1553.4s] Well, naturally, we're here to talk to the Rat King
[1556.0s] about increasing his number of titles
[1558.9s] and thusly increasing the fear in the neighborhood of him.
[1565.1s] Squeeps from behind is like, hey, she looks familiar.
[1568.3s] I think we were at her place.
[1575.9s] At my place, at my Zumba class?
[1577.5s] Did I see you guys there?
[1580.2s] I remember a couple of very fit rats,
[1583.0s] like really kind of working it with the moves.
[1586.0s] Oh, that was Hans and Franz.
[1590.0s] Yeah, there are muscle.
[1593.6s] Yeah.
[1594.5s] Yeah, they were very strong looking.
[1596.6s] Very strong.
[1597.9s] They said they were going somewhere the other morning
[1599.9s] and maybe that's where they were.
[1601.4s] They came back all just jazzed on life.
[1604.6s] I don't understand.
[1605.8s] You guys should come one morning.
[1606.9s] I do it every morning just outside the Bahamut Temple.
[1610.7s] Have you heard of Bahamut?
[1611.9s] The Bahamut Temple, you say?
[1616.6s] Yeah, it's really an amazing place.
[1618.4s] Just like the best, nicest people.
[1620.1s] Do you guys know about Bahamut?
[1622.4s] No, no, tell us about Bahamut.
[1626.3s] Well, 47 minutes later.
[1630.5s] I feel like we've lost the,
[1632.4s] I feel like we've lost the whole point of this here thing.
[1635.3s] You've been talking for quite a while
[1636.8s] and Squeeps here fell asleep.
[1638.8s] Oh, Squeeps asleep?
[1642.3s] Well, you know, there's no need.
[1644.2s] Just hearing about Bahamut makes you so,
[1646.6s] you feel so safe that you're free
[1648.4s] to just drift off to slumberland.
[1650.3s] Yeah, it's just a very calm, warm place to be.
[1653.1s] But anyway, we're here to talk to the Rat King
[1656.2s] about his titles and his lineage and his legacy.
[1659.9s] Yeah, as your king and protection
[1664.0s] from all that oppose him.
[1665.9s] I get it, I get it.
[1668.3s] He gets it.
[1669.2s] All right.
[1669.5s] He gets it.
[1670.4s] So you want to go see the Rat King, is what you're saying?
[1672.7s] Oh, yes, it works.
[1673.9s] Hey, Squeeps, wake up.
[1676.3s] Just lead him in there.
[1682.1s] Unless you say otherwise, you follow behind Squeeps
[1685.1s] and Turner Kitts chatting you off.
[1687.7s] So how did you like the little note that we left you?
[1690.1s] Was that real intimidating?
[1691.9s] Oh, yeah, you know what, I shook.
[1698.4s] Great.
[1699.9s] That was my idea.
[1701.9s] Oh, that was yours.
[1703.9s] Your idea.
[1704.7s] Oh, yeah.
[1707.5s] Well, you need to leave a calling card of sorts, right?
[1710.3s] When you're trying to get people's attention.
[1712.8s] Oh, okay.
[1713.5s] Well, you have my attention.
[1717.0s] Undivided attention.
[1720.5s] Perfect.
[1721.9s] This is going to go over so well once we see the Rat King.
[1725.5s] Yes, for sure.
[1730.3s] You walk into a larger open area where sewage is pouring down into this and going out.
[1741.1s] And in the center, there's a kind of a bridge and a platform
[1746.9s] that go over top of this central sewage area.
[1750.3s] This is fancy AF, right?
[1752.0s] Right?
[1752.7s] Real, real.
[1753.9s] There's a large, what looks like, I mean, it's a chair,
[1759.3s] but it looks like it's been adorned to be kind of a throne of sorts.
[1764.3s] Oh, God, is it a toilet?
[1768.7s] Yep.
[1771.5s] This used to be a throne, I was like, that's a toilet.
[1774.3s] And it's a large toilet, though.
[1776.5s] It looks like maybe it's a giant size toilet.
[1778.7s] Okay.
[1780.3s] And you are walked up this bridge and you stand in front of it.
[1787.7s] And Tourniquet says, all right, we got to just go get the king.
[1793.2s] And we'll be right back.
[1794.2s] You just kind of wait here, okay?
[1796.6s] Yeah, for sure.
[1798.1s] Squeak, you stay here just in case they try any funny business.
[1802.3s] Okay.
[1803.6s] Tourniquet jumps up and into the toilet.
[1806.1s] And you hear some banging as it kind of falls down some pipes.
[1813.9s] If they're in, I have a question.
[1815.6s] If they're in the sewer, where does that flush to?
[1820.4s] I'm curious.
[1821.9s] It's a good question.
[1823.6s] Is there sub-sewers?
[1824.6s] Is, like, there water in the toilet?
[1829.1s] No.
[1829.3s] Or it's just a tunnel.
[1830.6s] Okay.
[1831.6s] After a few moments, Tourniquet comes back up.
[1836.9s] He says, all right, do you have any questions before you're presented before royalty?
[1843.1s] Do I look okay?
[1845.7s] I mean, yeah, you look fine.
[1849.3s] What does the Rat King prefer to be called?
[1853.4s] The Rat King.
[1854.5s] Okay, perfect.
[1858.1s] So not like your warship or anything like that.
[1860.4s] He just prefers Rat King.
[1862.5s] Your honor, your regalness.
[1865.5s] Yeah, no, we just generally call him the Rat King.
[1868.8s] I think you guys could probably step it up a notch.
[1870.4s] There are so many other adjectives out there.
[1872.2s] Oh, what would you suggest?
[1873.6s] Oh, your highness, your royalty, your magnanimousnessness.
[1877.2s] Your beneficence.
[1880.7s] Okay, yeah, all right.
[1882.7s] He hops out and gives a knock on the side of the toilet.
[1887.6s] Is that the signal?
[1889.3s] And you hear slow meandering, scurrying through the tunnel system that goes through and up into this toilet.
[1898.7s] And rising up from the throne, Tourniquet begins to speak.
[1904.4s] He's like, is High, High, Royal, Royal Hiney.
[1914.8s] Go on, you're doing great.
[1916.0s] The rat you've all been waiting for.
[1921.8s] The one to rule them all.
[1925.6s] His kingship, lordly.
[1928.4s] The Rat King.
[1941.0s] Welcome to the middle.
[1947.0s] It's fun.
[1948.1s] It had like a real shallow vibe for me.
[1950.9s] Oh, did it?
[1953.8s] Is that shallow?
[1955.6s] Is that the one?
[1956.2s] Yeah, the Lady Gaga Bradley Cooper one.
[1958.5s] Right, didn't see it.
[1960.4s] Maybe I'm just that good.
[1963.2s] I think you're just on par with Gaga.
[1965.0s] I'm just Gaga Bradley Cooper good.
[1966.8s] That's what they say.
[1968.3s] That's what we always say about you.
[1970.1s] That is my rating system.
[1971.3s] Russ More ranks on the Bradley Cooper Lady Gaga scale.
[1975.6s] No.
[1976.8s] Where you can listen to some bonus episodes that sometimes feature Russ singing because
[1982.9s] he plays a bard is on Patreon.
[1986.7s] That's right, Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
[1990.6s] Where I sing all of the songs for the first season,
[1993.5s] second season and do a little bit in third season.
[1995.4s] I feel like it's going to it's going to skyrocket here.
[1998.3s] Coming down the pipeline.
[1999.1s] Yeah, I feel like there's going to be an incurring incident.
[2001.6s] That's like, I need to get back in the game.
[2003.6s] I switched to an acting game.
[2005.4s] Now I need to get back in the singing game.
[2007.6s] Yeah, yeah, a lot of talk about playwriting,
[2010.8s] but we're going to get back to that singing I think pretty soon.
[2014.1s] So you can you can hear all those episodes just for being a patron at the $2 level.
[2018.1s] We have a ton of other really cool stuff like monthly Google
[2022.4s] monthly live stream hangouts where you can come hang out with the four of us.
[2027.7s] And we chat with you.
[2029.2s] You tell us how how things are going.
[2031.6s] And then we talk about it.
[2035.0s] That's a really good cell, isn't it?
[2037.0s] It is pretty good.
[2037.9s] Yep.
[2038.2s] It's really the peak peak cell cell.
[2041.9s] And I mean, those can be those can be anything from Q and A's to just
[2045.7s] general joshing around and bullshitting.
[2048.8s] Majority of the latter.
[2050.9s] But yeah, mostly that one.
[2052.3s] But sometimes people ask questions.
[2053.6s] You know us.
[2054.4s] You know us.
[2055.0s] You know how we roll.
[2056.4s] We also have some rather really cool stuff, including a tier called the goods
[2061.1s] where you can help us vote on new designs for our apparel, our merchandise.
[2068.6s] But also after you're a patron at that tier for four consecutive months,
[2073.6s] you get swag sent to you quarterly.
[2075.6s] That's what I meant to say.
[2077.4s] Oh, what kind of swag, Russ?
[2079.2s] New swag.
[2079.6s] Anything and everything?
[2080.7s] Anything and everything.
[2082.1s] Probably because you're helping us design new designs
[2085.1s] or come up with the new designs that we want to do and then execute them.
[2088.9s] You probably get those designs.
[2092.0s] Probably get those new designs first before anybody else.
[2095.7s] So go check that out.
[2096.5s] Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
[2098.4s] We want to see you over there.
[2099.6s] We would love to have you over there.
[2101.7s] A whole bunch of really cool stuff.
[2103.3s] Hopefully there's a place for you.
[2106.0s] Now it's episode time.
[2108.3s] Can't touch this.
[2112.0s] Okay, bye.
[2113.3s] Bye.
[2113.8s] Bye.
[2116.4s] Rashomon, a land where spirits roam and witches rule.
[2123.7s] Three women are embroiled in a divine plot and it is up to them to uncover why.
[2132.7s] Join the adventures of the broadswords at the broadswords.com.
[2139.1s] That was wonderful.
[2139.8s] You did a great job.
[2140.5s] That was really good.
[2142.2s] Squeeps begins clapping just very fast.
[2146.5s] And rising up with a cut up tin can.
[2162.0s] This is exactly what I was imagining in my brain.
[2164.9s] Only it was a Coca-Cola can.
[2166.7s] But I know that doesn't exist in this world.
[2170.9s] Dressed in soiled, what looked like they were at one point,
[2174.8s] very nice clothes, but they are soiled and tattered.
[2178.5s] The Rat King rises out and he as well is probably three or four feet tall.
[2184.5s] And he stands before you and he says,
[2188.4s] You have come to
[2193.2s] bask before the Royal King, have you?
[2196.2s] Have you?
[2200.3s] Yep.
[2200.9s] Oh, yes.
[2201.5s] Yeah. Yep.
[2202.4s] Yep. Your kingship.
[2203.4s] Yep.
[2203.9s] Yes.
[2204.3s] Absolutely.
[2206.8s] So that is wonderful.
[2208.0s] Yeah. Yeah.
[2211.3s] Sweeps?
[2213.5s] Squeeps?
[2215.5s] Squeeps?
[2215.9s] Yeah. Squeeps.
[2216.7s] Yes. Squeeps was telling us you were trying to get my attention.
[2223.2s] And we did because you showed up.
[2225.6s] Yeah.
[2226.2s] Good job, Dernican Squeeps.
[2230.1s] You've earned your snack for today.
[2232.3s] And he reaches into a pocket and he throws them each a little like cracker,
[2236.0s] half-eaten cracker.
[2237.6s] Is it an animal cracker?
[2240.4s] Yes.
[2245.1s] You two go wait down there.
[2246.7s] I will deal with these royals, these subjects.
[2252.2s] They scurry back down either side of the bridge.
[2254.2s] So they're standing down on the bottom of the bridge at either side.
[2260.0s] Now, my vision for the Dock Ward,
[2263.6s] and many people have already come to tell me that this will work,
[2270.6s] is that I will be the ruler of the Dock Ward.
[2277.2s] And you will, as an owner of a fine establishment,
[2283.6s] sorry for Dernican Squeeps.
[2286.0s] They like to mess things up.
[2288.1s] I will protect you from all that oppose the Rat King.
[2293.3s] Sorry, I have a question.
[2294.4s] Sorry.
[2294.8s] My hearing isn't too good.
[2296.2s] You're way up there.
[2297.0s] We're way down here.
[2298.0s] Sorry.
[2298.4s] Are you going to be the ruler of the Dock Lord or the Dark Ward?
[2303.2s] The Dock Ward is the area that you're in.
[2310.8s] The Dock Ward.
[2311.4s] I think he's saying the Dock Ward.
[2312.6s] It's probably the one.
[2315.8s] The Dock Ward?
[2317.2s] Oh, you're going to have to talk to them if it's the Dock Ward.
[2320.0s] No, because they're feisty.
[2322.0s] Yeah, the Dock Ward, we're working on them.
[2325.8s] They're a harder sell.
[2328.7s] Harder sell.
[2330.0s] So all you need to do is just we'll just come collect payment
[2336.9s] and we'll just protect you.
[2338.3s] From what?
[2343.2s] From all the other people who want to take over the Dock Ward.
[2352.4s] Has this been an ongoing problem, Bonbera?
[2354.9s] Is this something that you've needed help with?
[2357.0s] Generally, the City Watch are good.
[2360.4s] Except when there's fires and festivities.
[2365.7s] But generally, they're on top of things.
[2369.2s] Have you?
[2370.0s] There are lurking evils in the sewers that we have already started to protect you from.
[2376.9s] So you're doing your job for free?
[2379.0s] Nope, not anymore.
[2382.7s] Okay.
[2383.2s] Thus the calling card.
[2387.1s] So you took something that belongs to me.
[2391.2s] That was how we got your attention.
[2393.2s] Yes, I would like it back, please.
[2395.9s] Um, see, I think they picked it because they were tired of people smiling.
[2403.1s] Why would you be tired of people smiling?
[2406.8s] We are not a smiley group.
[2408.8s] Well, that's a shame.
[2411.4s] That's, that's a darn shame.
[2413.6s] See this scowl that adorns our face?
[2417.5s] How?
[2418.4s] Racking, have you tried smiling?
[2423.0s] I tried it once.
[2426.1s] I feel like if you, if you maybe-
[2428.0s] It hurt.
[2429.0s] Tried it again, maybe you'd see that it's, it's a lot nicer when you smile.
[2433.7s] Well, I hear it's a lot harder on your face to frown than it is to smile.
[2437.6s] I've heard that too.
[2439.2s] When your face has been frowning for so long as ours has,
[2443.6s] the muscles are just locked in that position.
[2446.5s] Yeah, but I hear you're never fully dressed without a smile.
[2450.0s] Look at me.
[2450.5s] I have magnificent robes.
[2452.4s] I am fully dressed at right now.
[2454.6s] Well, smile and the world smiles with you.
[2459.6s] I could go on forever.
[2461.5s] She's got a lot of these.
[2467.2s] Make a persuasion check.
[2470.8s] Hey, it is, I got a plus four on persuasion.
[2474.9s] Fuck yeah, bud.
[2476.4s] 22.
[2477.3s] He scowls at you and looks down at you
[2479.6s] and you see his, his sharp pointed, almost rotted teeth begin to show in like a grimace.
[2488.3s] Like he tries to pull his lips back into what looks like he's trying to smile.
[2494.6s] He's like, like this.
[2498.1s] You're off.
[2498.8s] You're almost there.
[2500.2s] You're so close.
[2501.2s] You're so close.
[2501.6s] You have a beautiful smile.
[2505.1s] It really does.
[2505.6s] Do you feel better?
[2506.8s] It looks very regal.
[2510.4s] You look like a leader, a ruler.
[2513.4s] That Doc Lord's got nothing on you.
[2516.1s] Doc Lord?
[2517.3s] Well, you said you're going to be the ruler of the Doc Lord.
[2520.2s] No, Doc, Doc Ward.
[2523.2s] Ward.
[2525.4s] Oh, see, I think the problem is, is that we've only adopted the Doc.
[2529.2s] You were born in it.
[2536.9s] You got my backstory.
[2540.0s] Yeah, I will.
[2541.6s] I will be sure to give tourniquet and squeeps another cracker for making sure that all of
[2546.8s] all everybody knows all about the Rat King.
[2551.7s] Those new names that they gave for me though.
[2556.0s] So this hurts.
[2560.9s] I don't see.
[2561.4s] Doesn't it also feel good?
[2563.6s] Exercise like in your heart.
[2565.2s] Yeah, when you haven't used something in a long time and then you start to and you
[2569.7s] can kind of feel it loosen up.
[2571.6s] Just got to do some reps.
[2572.6s] I can put together a whole routine for you if you want.
[2574.8s] Really get those facial muscles kind of like loose and relaxed and strong.
[2582.0s] Glenn, make a persuasion check as well.
[2584.4s] OK, I sure will.
[2587.4s] I mean, PAlydins are like persuasive as fuck, I'm pretty sure.
[2590.5s] Yeah, it's 24.
[2592.7s] You could do that for me.
[2596.1s] Of course.
[2596.6s] It's like I love fitness.
[2598.6s] I mean, I love Bahamut number one.
[2600.5s] Number one, Bahamut.
[2602.0s] Number two, my friends.
[2603.2s] Number three, fitness.
[2604.9s] So I'm so happy.
[2607.0s] Actually, here, hold on.
[2608.0s] And I like maybe could I just borrow your notepad for one second?
[2611.6s] I can put I can throw some together real quick for you.
[2614.3s] And I write down like, you know, 20 times smile frowns.
[2619.2s] And then it's a bunch of reps of different exercises
[2623.3s] and like pushing up your cheeks and pulling down your cheeks.
[2626.7s] He's following behind you on everything at this moment.
[2630.0s] And so if you just do that every day,
[2632.3s] honestly, like you'll start to see improvement
[2634.2s] after just a couple of days and do this for a month.
[2636.3s] And you are going to be a champion smiler.
[2640.3s] You know, I start to feel something
[2646.8s] when I do these these these exercises.
[2650.3s] He's still it's a it's a very it's a disgusting smile.
[2654.8s] But I start to feel warm on the inside.
[2661.6s] It's nice, right?
[2664.0s] I guess.
[2665.2s] Is this a good way to be?
[2666.8s] Is this what people above the sewers feel?
[2670.8s] I mean, the lucky ones.
[2672.0s] Yeah, it's like having the sun shining on the inside.
[2676.8s] You hear from down at the bottom of the bridge's tourniquet.
[2681.2s] Yell up.
[2681.7s] He's like, your lordship, are you OK up there?
[2686.4s] I think I am.
[2687.6s] How does it look?
[2689.1s] And you look down and you see that very shocked face on on tourniquet.
[2693.2s] And he's like, it looks great.
[2697.6s] Yeah, I think it looks wonderful.
[2700.2s] It looks great.
[2700.8s] It looks so great.
[2701.4s] You guys should try this too.
[2702.9s] Squeeps tourniquet.
[2703.9s] You should try this.
[2705.2s] Get in here, you guys.
[2706.3s] Both of them try the same thing.
[2708.5s] They're like, yeah, yeah, like this.
[2710.2s] This is this is what the king wants.
[2714.0s] I think every king wants happy subjects, right?
[2716.4s] It means he's doing his job really well.
[2718.1s] Right.
[2718.6s] OK, great.
[2721.0s] And the king turns and looks at you and says,
[2724.8s] well, I'm going to stop for a minute just because the muscles haven't happened.
[2730.6s] Yeah, rest is just as important as reps.
[2733.0s] You got to you got to take you got to take a break sometimes, too.
[2737.0s] Yeah, go slow.
[2737.6s] You don't hurt yourself.
[2738.6s] There's nothing like pulling a mouth muscle.
[2740.5s] Well, I feel like this has changed my entire outlook.
[2747.2s] My whole reason for being.
[2750.8s] Well, you're going to give our friend her smile wand back.
[2754.1s] Oh, right.
[2758.8s] It might make you smile on the inside.
[2761.0s] Yeah, you know, yeah.
[2763.1s] So sometimes when you you give something to someone, you know, it makes you feel good.
[2772.9s] And it brings this smile.
[2774.8s] Yes.
[2776.0s] Just try and stop it.
[2777.2s] Yeah.
[2779.9s] My God, I think we're really learning something important today, you guys.
[2783.7s] This is our like very special episode.
[2785.8s] It is.
[2787.3s] He calls out in a series of high pitched squeaks and you hear.
[2795.0s] I don't want to say rumbling, but you hear like a low rumble coming from some of the pipes.
[2801.7s] Oh, God, it's a thunder down under.
[2805.2s] What?
[2805.6s] No, it's the rats.
[2807.7s] Oh, yeah, I knew that.
[2809.9s] Not Australian strippers.
[2812.4s] I saw that show.
[2813.4s] No, I think I did too when I was like 19.
[2818.9s] Rat swarms of rats begin pouring out of the pipes and on the backs of one of the
[2826.6s] swarms, you see your wand of smiles.
[2830.0s] What does it look like?
[2832.4s] It.
[2834.9s] You know, it's funnily enough, it doesn't look like the most friendly.
[2844.1s] Actually, it's kind of spindly looking and twisted and the handle is that of like it
[2852.8s] looks like a carved spider.
[2857.7s] This wand kind of rises and rolls along the back of all of these rats as they come
[2862.6s] and crowd in front of you and lift up the wand to about hand height in front of you.
[2868.3s] And he says, we're going to try this out.
[2871.0s] And if it doesn't make me smile, my rats might eat you.
[2876.6s] These are smaller rats?
[2878.1s] These are regular size rats.
[2878.9s] Is he controlling these rats the same way Antman controls ants?
[2882.1s] You don't know.
[2884.4s] OK, well, you know, just hand it over and everyone and I look at the party and
[2889.7s] like put this giant smile on my face.
[2894.8s] We're all smiling right now.
[2896.1s] We're just smiling so big.
[2897.7s] I realize the audio podcast not helpful that we're all smiling.
[2900.7s] Big smiles, big smiles.
[2902.5s] Everybody roll a persuasion check as the handoff happens here.
[2907.3s] Well, that's 14.
[2909.1s] Dirty 20.
[2911.4s] Oh, OK.
[2912.2s] Oh, I like that guy because mine was only.
[2913.5s] Apparently I have a plus five for persuasion, so that's a 21.
[2916.9s] I also have a plus five, but mine's still an eight.
[2921.7s] Carla, give me back my dice rolls.
[2924.3s] Bombera, you reach out to grab the wand and you're looking at the face of
[2929.3s] the Rat King and he's watching all four of you very intently and he looks down to
[2935.3s] tourniquet and squeeps and both of them still have the pain smile on their face as well.
[2941.2s] And you see his lips begin to crack again and he too begins to that same ugly smile as he's
[2949.1s] like, it feels so good to just be nice.
[2957.3s] And you know what?
[2958.3s] People end up being nice to you when you're nice to them.
[2966.1s] So if I go try this on the ducks, they might let me have some of their territory.
[2971.2s] It's worth a shot.
[2972.3s] Those ducks are fucking, I mean, yes.
[2975.6s] All right.
[2976.5s] I'm going to try this smile business and see about expanding our reach and maybe
[2988.3s] creating friendships at the same time.
[2990.9s] Yes, that is a worthwhile and commendable goal.
[2997.6s] Truly something a king would do.
[2999.7s] That's how you remain kingly.
[3001.5s] Happy subjects.
[3002.5s] I suggest having a vision statement.
[3006.5s] A vision statement.
[3007.9s] Oh, yeah.
[3008.9s] You know what?
[3009.3s] What's a vision statement?
[3010.1s] If you come to the offices of the Ducks Eye Business Association,
[3014.3s] they can help you put together that vision statement.
[3019.7s] Really?
[3020.0s] Yeah.
[3020.5s] And you know what?
[3021.4s] If you want to extend your reach, they can help you with your business venture as well.
[3028.8s] Oh, I had no idea that these resources were available to someone such as I.
[3034.0s] They are for everyone in the dock ward.
[3038.1s] And is there any sort of membership fee?
[3041.1s] Um, you know what?
[3043.3s] I, you know, I'm on the board so I can sponsor you.
[3050.0s] Wow.
[3050.3s] Yeah.
[3051.5s] It's just-
[3051.9s] Tell about the people you know.
[3053.1s] If I go out on a limb and sponsor you though, I just, you know, just don't,
[3058.8s] don't let me down, you know?
[3062.0s] Smile.
[3062.9s] With a smile like that, he can let anyone down.
[3066.1s] Always smile.
[3067.1s] I won't let you down.
[3069.2s] Fabulous.
[3069.9s] Um, why don't we set up a meeting for tomorrow at 11 and then we can go have lunch.
[3076.5s] Oh, okay.
[3078.0s] Do you guys got that?
[3079.2s] Turn it, get, squeak.
[3080.3s] Do we know what time is?
[3083.0s] We'll figure it out.
[3083.9s] Okay.
[3085.7s] Great.
[3086.0s] Great.
[3086.6s] Well, I'll see you at 11.
[3091.3s] I can't wait.
[3092.1s] This is going to be so good for rolling out my kingdom to the entire dock ward.
[3102.0s] I'm going to drop my smile again.
[3105.9s] All right.
[3106.2s] Yeah, take it easy.
[3107.0s] Can't do it all at once.
[3108.1s] There's a lot.
[3108.9s] I'm going to have to have a royal nap here in a little bit.
[3112.6s] I'm going to start calling all my naps royal naps.
[3114.9s] Royal naps for sure.
[3117.9s] All right.
[3118.3s] Well, this wasn't the way I expected today to go.
[3122.0s] But you know what?
[3126.5s] I feel like the rat king turned over a new leaf today.
[3130.8s] We're building bridges and it's beautiful.
[3133.8s] It's like these water features you have here.
[3135.5s] It's gorgeous.
[3136.7s] It is.
[3138.1s] This is why I picked this location because it all just kind of comes down here.
[3143.2s] Central.
[3143.8s] You can get everywhere from here.
[3148.7s] You got to be, you got to be available is what you got to be
[3151.9s] when you're a king like me.
[3153.5s] That's true.
[3154.2s] We came in here, you saw us right away.
[3157.4s] I think that's really important.
[3158.9s] You're very accessible.
[3160.4s] I had a welcoming party.
[3163.7s] Yeah, they could be a little more welcoming.
[3166.9s] Well, until today, smiling was not part of our purview.
[3171.8s] I feel like going forward, they're really going to excel in their role.
[3174.9s] I think so because they were very chatty too.
[3177.0s] Very personable.
[3178.5s] Interesting.
[3178.7s] You did a good job choosing those guys.
[3180.9s] Great.
[3181.4s] Good job, sweets and tourniquet.
[3185.3s] All right, well they will lead you out.
[3187.7s] I am going to go find a reflection and see what this looks like.
[3193.0s] This smile business.
[3195.6s] Well, it looks great.
[3196.7s] You're going to be happy with what you see.
[3198.9s] All right.
[3199.3s] I know I am.
[3200.3s] As you're talking to him, he's lowering himself slowly back down into the toilet.
[3206.1s] I will see you tomorrow at 11.
[3208.5s] 11 o'clock.
[3209.4s] 11, 11.
[3212.1s] And then scurrying back down the toilet.
[3216.9s] And all of the swarms of rats scurry back up and into the pipes.
[3221.9s] And squeeps and tourniquets lead you back out to where they met you
[3226.5s] at the border of rat territory and duck territory.
[3231.4s] And I turn myself into a duck.
[3235.5s] And I roll around in the sewage again because I got a bit in.
[3240.4s] I'm going to be a dirty duck.
[3241.6s] Yep.
[3242.5s] And I quacked at all the corners.
[3247.9s] I tell squeeps and tourniquet, I hope I see you guys at Zumba tomorrow.
[3252.4s] Every morning.
[3254.6s] We're going to look into it and maybe make some time.
[3258.7s] We have this 11 o'clock tomorrow, but maybe the day after.
[3261.7s] Okay.
[3262.3s] I'll see you there.
[3263.1s] It's going to be real fun.
[3264.5s] We're going to come with Hans and Franz.
[3266.1s] They know where it is, right?
[3267.5s] They know where it is and they're great.
[3268.9s] You can just shadow them because they're experts.
[3271.1s] Perfect.
[3271.5s] Perfect.
[3271.9s] Well, thank you.
[3273.1s] Thank you.
[3274.0s] Yeah, thanks for coming.
[3275.6s] It's going to be an interesting transition period here, I think.
[3279.1s] Yeah, it's a whole new world for you guys.
[3281.3s] You know, just take it slow.
[3282.2s] Roll with the punches.
[3283.7s] Great.
[3284.2s] Try not to punch anybody.
[3285.6s] Right.
[3285.9s] Yeah.
[3286.2s] No, that's probably a good idea.
[3287.5s] That's probably a good idea.
[3288.4s] Okay.
[3288.7s] Well, we'll see you guys soon then.
[3290.9s] All right.
[3292.7s] And you make your way back through duck territory,
[3294.8s] quacking at all the appropriate times.
[3296.6s] You make your way back to where you originally met the first ducks
[3299.8s] and they look markedly cleaner than when you had entered.
[3306.7s] Oh, thank you so much for the tips and we'll be on our way.
[3314.9s] Great.
[3315.3s] Great.
[3315.5s] Yeah, yeah.
[3316.3s] These guys all kind of have the same voice now.
[3318.1s] Quack, quack.
[3319.6s] Quack, quack.
[3322.6s] Are you saying all ducks sound the same?
[3324.1s] No, they had the same voice as the rats.
[3327.4s] Fair enough.
[3327.9s] Quack, quack.
[3328.2s] All sewer folk.
[3328.9s] All sewer folk kind of sound the same.
[3330.9s] Dialect is a little bit the same.
[3332.4s] Yeah, it's all in the same neighborhood.
[3335.2s] Yeah, you got it.
[3335.8s] It's their Brooklyn.
[3336.6s] So you made your way to the Rat King.
[3339.5s] You're good.
[3340.1s] All right.
[3340.5s] Well, we'll bid you adieu, my duck friend.
[3345.7s] Duck friend in a salute, a feathered salute.
[3350.1s] Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
[3353.1s] You make your way back out of the sewer
[3354.6s] and you're back in the streets of the dock ward in Waterdeep.
[3360.8s] Well, give everybody some hand sanitizer.
[3365.3s] That did not go the way I was expecting it to go.
[3368.5s] No, it turned out it was, you know,
[3370.2s] he wasn't an evil being at all.
[3371.9s] Just a little bit misconnected.
[3373.3s] Yeah, you know, I think that the Rat King
[3376.8s] would be a real asset to the Dockside Business Association.
[3381.5s] For sure.
[3381.9s] He's got a mission.
[3382.7s] It's very hard working.
[3384.8s] It's got grand plans.
[3386.1s] Well, now look, you got your smile wand back.
[3388.6s] Me too.
[3389.7s] Who wants a smile?
[3392.5s] I love one.
[3393.0s] I raise my hand.
[3393.7s] And I cast it on each of you.
[3397.5s] It has three charges.
[3400.7s] Perfect.
[3402.1s] It looks so threatening the way you're fake holding your wand.
[3404.1s] Yeah.
[3404.7s] What's going to happen?
[3406.5s] And you are now forced to smile for one minute.
[3410.8s] Oh, this is really interesting.
[3415.2s] Yeah.
[3415.7s] Feels good.
[3417.4s] It feels natural.
[3419.1s] You make your way back to Bobbles and Such and settle up your reward.
[3427.9s] Yes.
[3428.7s] Oh, yeah.
[3429.3s] Yes.
[3429.9s] That is, you know what?
[3431.7s] You'll have to go over to the Dockside Business Association office.
[3437.2s] That is just two streets over and three rights.
[3440.6s] And oh, back by Bottles and Such.
[3444.6s] Yeah, exactly.
[3447.1s] And you'll be able to pick up your reward, Bear.
[3452.4s] Well, it was so great to meet you, Bob Bear.
[3454.1s] We love this shop.
[3455.2s] I mean, thank you again.
[3456.7s] You're welcome.
[3457.2s] My life's just going to be so much easier without this beard on.
[3460.0s] You're welcome.
[3461.7s] And you know what?
[3462.4s] Those underprivileged orphans who are in need of wigs will thank you.
[3468.5s] You go collect your reward.
[3473.7s] And just roll me a perception.
[3480.1s] Okay.
[3482.2s] 13.
[3484.0s] There were a few things in Bobbles and Such that caught your eye,
[3488.7s] that now that you have a large sum of money, you might want to go purchase.
[3494.2s] Okay, so I'm not going to be eating my money anymore.
[3497.6s] Well, maybe not all of it.
[3498.1s] Still eat some of your money.
[3499.5s] Oh, sure, yeah.
[3500.8s] Oh, welcome back.
[3504.3s] And at this point, I think Theobald has returned from dropping off the beard
[3510.7s] and is now scrubbing the wall.
[3512.9s] I see you put them right to work.
[3516.5s] Did you talk to them about not leaving calling cards anymore?
[3520.9s] Oh, yes, yes.
[3523.3s] You know what?
[3523.8s] Just, you know, actually getting cards printed for them, I think.
[3528.9s] That's a great idea.
[3530.2s] Yeah, I saw a few things in here, Bombera.
[3532.5s] I was wondering if you could tell me kind of what they are because they caught my eye.
[3537.8s] Oh, well, yeah, sure.
[3541.0s] What caught your eye?
[3542.8s] Well, there's that dagger over there with like the jade handle.
[3548.2s] So I saw that one.
[3549.2s] Oh, I see a link here from Victoria.
[3550.5s] Maybe I'll go there.
[3553.7s] That might be a better idea.
[3555.4s] All right.
[3556.3s] And we're working with a little bit of a gold constraint,
[3558.4s] so I can't just go hog wild.
[3559.9s] Hey, Russ.
[3561.5s] I mean, it's up to Bombera as to what the actual price is.
[3567.9s] Right, she might give you the friends and family discount.
[3570.9s] There's some pretty broken stuff in here for level one characters.
[3575.3s] So I'm going to say that, yeah, there's probably a bit of a constraint on
[3578.5s] as to if it's a 12,000 gold piece item,
[3584.5s] you're probably not going to be allowed to get it.
[3587.7s] Well, you can sort by price.
[3589.2s] Yeah, that mace for 48,000 gold pieces.
[3593.2s] Yeah, probably not on the table.
[3595.0s] Can you put it on land?
[3596.0s] I was eyeballing this cloak of the bat.
[3598.9s] Oh, yes, yes, this.
[3601.4s] And she takes it off the rack.
[3606.5s] This is a fine woven silk and put it on me.
[3616.7s] And step into the shadows of your store.
[3622.9s] And then I suddenly am a bat.
[3628.7s] Well, only in the shadows.
[3630.8s] And then I start flitting around the shop.
[3635.7s] That is awesome.
[3637.7s] Is that like that spell you you did earlier to turn into the duck?
[3641.1s] Is that like the same thing?
[3642.5s] And then I suddenly appear again in human form and take off the cloak.
[3649.9s] Yes, but it is like that spell I can turn into pretty much anything.
[3657.4s] This this.
[3658.4s] Oh, so it's not just ducks.
[3659.7s] No, it's not duck specific, but this one is bat specific.
[3665.9s] Oh, OK.
[3666.6s] So oh, so the only one you can do with this is yes.
[3669.3s] But that's pretty cool.
[3670.2s] Oh, yeah.
[3672.9s] Well, do you think do I have enough gold to afford that?
[3677.5s] How much do you have?
[3680.5s] Well, I mean, we got the reward money and then I had some put away for some more
[3685.0s] turnovers and the and the chocolate croissant that you recommended.
[3688.4s] But I can dip into that fund a little bit.
[3690.9s] Hmm, yes.
[3692.9s] Well, you know, this is a one of a kind item.
[3697.4s] I mean, yeah, I've never seen anything like that before in my life.
[3701.4s] That's because this is the only one.
[3705.6s] Wow.
[3706.1s] Yeah. So the price tag is a little bit more than what you've got there.
[3713.8s] But, you know, how long are you in town for?
[3719.4s] I mean, we've only been here a week, but it's pretty nice place.
[3722.5s] So maybe a little while.
[3724.4s] You know, I could use some help around the store.
[3727.8s] I mean, you could maybe work for for some of the cost.
[3733.9s] Sure. Yeah, that sounds great to me.
[3735.8s] I'll bring I'll bring those croissants for my first day.
[3738.9s] That sounds great.
[3742.8s] Great. That's awesome.
[3743.7s] OK, well, give me what you got.
[3749.2s] I just handed all over the cash.
[3750.9s] Oh, great. Thank you.
[3752.4s] And I put that in the till.
[3755.5s] Yeah. And if you want to come here every day for eight a.m.
[3763.1s] And we will go from there.
[3767.0s] Perfect. Sounds great.
[3767.9s] Fantastic.
[3769.6s] Moot's got himself a part time job.
[3771.3s] Got a part time job.
[3772.4s] And a cool dress.
[3774.8s] Well, I mean, like Glim's doing her Zumba classes every morning.
[3777.6s] So yeah, I should go contribute, right?
[3780.0s] Well, yeah, for sure.
[3781.7s] That's really nice of you.
[3784.1s] Well, you know, I need a new roof.
[3790.2s] It's time.
[3791.2s] Practical, too.
[3793.3s] Is anybody else looking to purchase anything?
[3796.3s] No.
[3797.8s] I'd like to buy the oil of etherealness.
[3801.4s] Oh, yes. Now, this is a special, special elixir.
[3810.5s] And I hold of this little vial, really, of oil.
[3819.5s] This can take you to the borders of the ethereal plane.
[3829.7s] That sounds like just the kind of place I would want to go.
[3835.7s] This is just a single use, right?
[3838.0s] A single use.
[3839.6s] Yes, this is single use.
[3842.6s] It's good for a fair amount of time.
[3844.9s] You know, like, a long sleep worth of time.
[3851.5s] Yeah, but it is single use, yes.
[3857.4s] OK, well, I think I have enough money to buy it.
[3859.8s] If maybe you wouldn't mind cutting me a little bit of a deal.
[3864.5s] What do you think?
[3865.0s] Well, Moop might need some help putting that those those shingles up.
[3872.5s] And, you know, a big strong person like you working in the store.
[3876.3s] I didn't know I'd be doing the roof.
[3880.4s] She said she needed a new roof.
[3882.2s] That's true. She did.
[3883.1s] I just didn't know why I didn't make that connection.
[3887.5s] Wait, do you think a brick, a brickery would help out with that as well?
[3890.8s] Is that like a transferable skill?
[3892.6s] No, I think a shingler and a brickery are just two very different vocations.
[3899.7s] Yeah, I don't think my roof needs bricks.
[3903.7s] Yeah, probably too heavy.
[3904.9s] Well, is it OK?
[3905.7s] I know he's going to come at eight.
[3906.8s] I do my Zumba class.
[3907.7s] Can I come over after that?
[3908.9s] Yeah, you know, it could.
[3910.5s] Could I take the Zumba class for Zumba?
[3914.3s] Class is open to anybody.
[3915.6s] You come whenever you want.
[3916.5s] Fantastic.
[3917.3s] I will show up for Zumba then.
[3919.7s] Sally notices just how nice and accommodating Bombardy is being.
[3925.4s] And out from his cloak, he produces a, what is it?
[3932.8s] It is the scroll of vitriolic sphere.
[3936.2s] And it's like and puts it out on the table
[3940.1s] and then puts down 480 gold pieces.
[3946.5s] And is like, I would like to purchase this, please.
[3949.3s] Hmm.
[3950.5s] Hmm.
[3951.6s] Well, we're close enough.
[3957.1s] Thank you.
[3962.5s] Just some straight commerce for Sally.
[3964.2s] Seems out of character, but as we mentioned, who knows what else he stole.
[3969.4s] Yeah, pay for something.
[3971.4s] Pretty sure that none of you have any money anymore.
[3973.8s] No, I'm pretty sure it's all gone.
[3976.5s] Some of you have part-time jobs now.
[3978.9s] And just a short period part-time job while we throw that roof up there.
[3984.6s] That's right.
[3984.9s] Me and Moot are both strapping, so it should be.
[3988.6s] I got that little crab claw that will help me out for the hard-to-reach places.
[3992.3s] For sure.
[3992.9s] When we need to bring more shingles up to the roof,
[3994.8s] we don't have to go back up and down.
[3996.4s] You can just mage hand those up to the top of the roof.
[4000.6s] Well, we fade out on Moot and Glim doing some of that work,
[4006.5s] hammering those shingles in real well,
[4009.6s] as the sun is now setting over the dock ward in Waterdeep.
[4036.5s] The song Long Road Ahead is by Kavin McLeod of incompetech.filmmusic.io.
[4060.4s] Our supporting producers are Gabriel Lynch, Ryan Cushman, Joshua Dixon,
[4064.9s] Devin Michaels, Cat Waterflame, and Jacob Madden.
[4068.1s] Find out more and receive exclusive content at Patreon.com slash Dumb Dragon cast.
[4073.3s] Dumbgeons & Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.